From: Jennifer in Boulder, CO
Dear Rabbi,
My friend told me that everyone is born with a predestined husband or wife. I’m really curious about this idea. Is this match one’s soulmate? What determines who my match is? Can one miss his or her match, or change it? I have lots of questions about this, but I’ll hold back for now. Thanks!
Dear Jennifer,
Throughout the Torah, we find G-d acting as matchmaker between a specific man and woman. G-d officiated the marriage of Adam and Eve (Genesis 2); when Abraham sent his servant Eliezer to choose a wife for Isaac, Rebecca’s family admitted, “the match comes from G-d” (Genesis 24:50); even the match between Samson and Delilah is attributed to G-d (Judges 14:4). Furthermore, our Sages taught, “40 days before the formation of the fetus it is decreed in Heaven ‘the daughter of so-and-so is to be matched with so-and-so’” (Sota 2a).
Matching is not an easy job, however, and is best left up to G-d, as the following Midrash (Vayikra Raba 8:1) illustrates:
A Roman noblewoman once asked Rabbi Yosi ben Chalafta, “Since your G-d has finished creating the universe, what has He been doing?” He answered, “Making matches.” She said, “Is that all? I have many male and female slaves and I can pair them off in an hour.” That night she paired off a thousand male and female slaves. The next morning one’s head was split and another’s eye was gouged. One’s arm was injured and another’s knee was broken. One complained “I don’t want her” and another demanded, “I don’t want him.”
Regarding your question of what determines one’s soulmate, one opinion maintains that although G-d determines the match, it occurs under the influence of mazal. In general, mazal refers to the configuration of planets, stars and constellations at the time of one’s birth. As in other areas affected by mazal, G-d decrees when a particular soul should be born such that the match-mazal will dictate the character traits and opportunities needed to guide one to his or her match (Shabbat 156a).
One may ask (as you did), if the soulmate is pre-destined by G-d, can one miss or change the match? Yes, one may miss the match by being impatient or overly choosy. When older people who had not yet married would ask the Stiepler Rav, Rabbi Yaakov Kanievsky, what happened to their heavenly-appointed match, he would say that surely it was sent but the person rejected it.
Still, there is hope for one who has missed the match. Our Sages note that Samson “rebelled with his eyes” in marrying the Philistine woman, yet the verse says that the marriage was from G-d. They resolve this apparent contradiction by teaching that even though Samson lost his soulmate by going after looks alone, G-d saw to it that the woman he marry result in some good – in this case, to save Israel from the Philistines (Sota 9b, Maharsha).
There are different opinions as to whether one may change the soulmate or zivug. In the Talmud (Moed Katan 18b), Rava heard a man praying that a certain woman be designated for him. He said to the man, “Don’t pray like that. If she’s destined for you she won’t slip away; if not, your prayer won’t be answered and you’ll come to deny G-d”. Rashi learns from here that nothing can be done to change the zivug. Other commentators (Ritva, Tosafot HaRosh), however, are of the opinion that prayer and good deeds can change one’s zivug, and Rava only discouraged the man because he saw that it was a bad match. In fact the Midrash (Bereishit Raba 70:15) relates that Leah was destined for Esav and Rachel for Jacob. Leah “cried her eyes out” and beseeched G-d that she not fall in the hands of the wicked Esav. Eventually, not only did she marry Jacob, but she married him before Rachel did. An approach accepted by all opinions is to pray in general for better zivug-mazal, just as Eliezer and Leah prayed for the best zivug, not for a specific person.
In contrast, many commentators are of the opinion that zivug does not depend on mazal at all, rather on one’s good or bad deeds (Rambam, Shemone Perakim ch. 8; Meiri, Sota 2a; Tosafot, Ta’anit 4a). Unlike other factors influenced by mazal like looks, health, and intelligence that are relevant even in childhood, zivug is only relevant later in life and is therefore determined by the sum-total of one’s deeds until adulthood.
The kabbalists, based on the Zohar (Lech Lecha 91b, Vayechi 229a), reconcile the opinions by saying that zivug is a combination of both heavenly decree and a person’s merit. According to the Zohar, a soul is comprised of male and female parts that are united in the soul world but are placed in different bodies in this world. If their deeds merit, G-d who knows the whereabouts of each part, combines them as they originally were – this is zivug. If not, they may marry others, but through teshuva (mending one’s ways) the parts will eventually reunite. According to Ramban (Emunah v’Bitachon ch.24) the “click” or “chemistry” felt between soulmates is the fulfillment of the yearning of each part of the soul to become one.
Sources:
- Shidduchim and Zivugim, Rabbi Yehuda Lebovitz
- Rabbi Menashe ben Israel, Nishmat Chaim, part 2 ch. 8
