From: Reuven

Dear Rabbi,

If a man is desperate to marry a woman, even if she is married, is he is allowed to pray to marry her at some point in the future, since he cannot bear to live his life without her? Since he wouldn’t be physically or forcefully taking what is not his or committing adultery or a sin, G‑d forbid, nor praying to G‑d out of proactive “desire”, but rather to relieve his “suffering” from not being able to marry this woman, it seems that it might be permitted. Perhaps this could be compared to mothers who prayed for the death of the Cohen Gadol in order that their sons be released from the cities of refuge. Also, since he would only be praying to marry her, it seems that this would not be a problem of “coveting his neighbor’s wife”. And anyway, aren’t second marriages based on merit rather than being pre-ordained by Heaven? My assumption is that a person can always ask for G‑d’s mercy for anything, regardless of what that is. Thank you for your thoughts and feedback.

Dear Reuven,

The Talmud (Moed Katan 18b) records a teaching of Shemuel saying that one may engage a woman on Chol Hamoed in order that another not precede him by engaging her first. The question arises, how can another precede him since zivug, or soulmates are from G‑d? The Talmud suggests that he may precede him in prayer. This implies that one may pray to marry a woman “designated” for another man and that such prayer can work.

The Talmud continues to relate how Rova heard a man praying that a certain woman be designated for him. The Rabbi reprimanded, “Don’t pray like that! If she’s for you she won’t slip away; if she’s not for you, your prayer will cause you to deny G‑d”. Later, after the man’s prayers were not answered and he lost hope, Rova heard him praying that either he or the woman should die before her marriage to another. Rova reprimanded him, “I told you not to pray about this!”

The commentators differ as to Rova’s objection. Rashi explains that Rova was concerned that the woman would die, from which we see that nothing can be done to change a zivug.

One of the Tosafot (a talmid of R’ Yechiel of Paris, in Nimuke Yosef) posits that prayer can alter the zivug but it will eventually end in disaster in order that the true zivug take place.

Ritva is of the opinion that prayer and extraordinary deeds can change one’s zivug without harm, and the reason that Rova discouraged him was because he saw that it would not be a good match.

All would agree, however, and this is the accepted approach, that one could pray that if a particular woman is his zivug, that G‑d enable the match to take place at the best time and in the best way possible. Therefore, even though the above-mentioned cases are dealing with a man praying to marry a single woman, it seems to me that theoretically, if a man felt that a married woman was his zivug and that she is “mistakenly” married to someone else, he could pray that, if in fact they are a zivug, that the zivug be realized when and in a way that G‑d sees fit.

This might be compared to one who has lost an object under circumstances which allow the finder to keep it as his. The true owner can certainly nevertheless pray that he somehow, in some way, get his object back.

I would not compare this to those who killed by mistake and fled to the cities of refuge whose mothers prayed for the death of the Cohen Gadol. While they may have prayed for this, there’s no indication that it’s right. On the contrary, we pray for the health of the Cohen Gadol in order to nullify any such prayers for evil.

In any case, since in reality one cannot know the true zivug, and praying to break up a marriage can have devastating ramifications even if all remain physically healthy, particularly if there are children, it would seem to me to be the wrong thing to do.

I don’t see that it matters whether the motivation is what you call proactive desire or to alleviate suffering. The alleviation of his suffering will come about through the suffering of another. He has no priority over others, rather it seems they take precedence because of the status quo. And perhaps it is better that he suffer, than her children grow up in a situation of divorce or orphaned from their father, G‑d forbid. It is also possible that even as soulmates, they are to be separated for this lifetime because of considerations based on previous reincarnations.

Regarding “coveting”, if one desires a specific married woman and prays to essentially replace her husband, this does seem to me to constitute the prohibition of coveting another’s wife. Desiring to have a wife like her would not, but wanting specifically her as his wife would be. This is so even if he doesn’t or wouldn’t proactively do anything about it and “only” prays that G‑d do it.

Even though second zivug marriages are understood to be less pre-ordained, depending more on merit than mazal, that’s generally understood to apply to two previously married people who are currently available. But you are describing a situation where he wants to break up a pre-existing first marriage which very well may have been pre-ordained.

That being said, many commentators are of the opinion that zivug does not depend on mazal at all, but rather on one’s good or bad deeds. They explain that zivug is unlike other factors influenced by mazal such as intelligence, health and wealth. These are all operative from birth and therefore depend on mazal; but since zivug comes later in life in adulthood, it is dependent on merit.

The Kabbalists also reckon merit, quoting the Zohar which says (Vayechi 229a), “According to the deeds G‑d matches couples. If a man perverted his ways, his zivug is given to another, until he rectifies his ways. When he rectifies his ways and his time has come, the other man [who is not her true zivug and has married her in the interim] is pushed aside and he comes to takes what is his. This is the most difficult task for the Holy One, blessed be He, to banish one man because of another”. This suggests that in a case of “mistaken” marriage, his primary effort should be expended in teshuva while waiting for G‑d to decide if and when the marriage should be dissolved.

Perhaps in a variation of the scenario you portray, for example where the married woman has no dependent children, and she shares his feelings such that both he and she are convinced that they are soulmates, so that her becoming available would certainly result in her marrying him, just that the “mistaken” marriage is in the way of their union, then they could pray for G‑d to dissolve the marriage when and how G‑d deems right, with minimal harm to anyone.