From: Anonymous

Dear Rabbi,

I’d like to discuss a Jewish marriage with you. My husband and I were married this year in a non-traditional wedding ceremony. He is Jewish, I am not. However we would like to remarry in a traditional Jewish ceremony. I’ve been doing some research and have learned about the ketuba, chuppa, ring, and breaking of the glass. I am aware of the position of other groups in Judaism on this question, but what I’d like to know is if according to Orthodoxy there is anything special we/I have to do to in order to have a Jewish ceremony and be legally married in the Jewish Laws? We also want our children to have bar and bat mitzvas.

Dear Anonymous,

I honor your interest in Judaism and your desire to sanctify your relationship according to Jewish Law.

However, as you are aware that you have addressed your question to Orthodoxy, I must inform you that Jewish Law prohibits intermarriage. I don’t want to hurt or offend you, but this means that according to Jewish Law, not only may you not have a traditional wedding ceremony, you may not be married.

I do not wish to belittle the significance and value of your relationship, but since you seek the opinion of Jewish Law, I must answer accordingly.

To be, as you write, “legally married in the Jewish Laws”, the non-Jewish person must convert through sincere acceptance of all the tenets and obligations of Judaism for Judaism’s sake alone and not out of desire for the Jewish partner. Only after a valid, Jewishly-legal (Orthodox) conversion, may the person marry a Jew. (And even then, there might be restrictions, for example if the Jewish partner is the man and he’s a Cohen.)

Any other “conversion” is against Jewish Law, and a marriage involving such a conversion is not binding according to Jewish Law, nor would there be any need for Jewish legal divorce if the couple decides to separate. Any children from such a marriage where the woman is the non-Jewish partner would not be Jewish (not even “half-Jewish” – there’s no such principle in Judaism), and therefore it would not be relevant for them to have a bar or bat mitzva.

It is important to realize that this is not because Judaism has a negative attitude to non-Jews. Judaism loves and respects all good people and recognizes and celebrates their unique individuality, purpose, contribution and worth. But as far as perpetuating and preserving the unique Jewish identity and destiny through marriage and childbirth, G‑d permits Jews to marry only Jews (which would include sincere converts according to Jewish Law, as above).

Some movements of Jews have departed from the Law and either changed, distorted or ignored the Divine rules. Initially, this was done intentionally by somewhat knowledgeable individual leaders as a rebellion against the millennia-old laws and traditions. Through assimilation, “mis-education” or no Jewish education at all, many Jews today, largely uninformed (and thereby uncommitted to the law), follow the departure of these movements from nearly every aspect of Jewish life.

The harm these movements cause to Judaism is perhaps most greatly perpetrated through conversion and marriage. Through rebellious, Jewishly irresponsible leadership, people are encouraged to make life-decisions whose repercussions, by nature, surface only decades, or sometimes generations, later. At that time, the innocent misled are confronted with Jewish Law in one context or another. And those who misled them into the crisis are the first to blame Jewish Law, and thereby justify their rebellion, rather than taking responsibility for ruining people’s lives by simultaneously using them to artificially bolster their otherwise diminishing ranks while making them unwitting agents for their agenda.

I want to reiterate, that I in no way doubt, criticize or invalidate the sincerity of your feelings for each other or the depth of your relationship. And of course, you are free to make your own decision – everyone has free-will. But based on your question, I feel I must make you aware of Jewish Law in this instance, the issues involved, what’s at stake and the conscious or even subconscious intentions of those who encourage breaking Jewish Law in general, and in situations like your case in particular.

Since you are both interested in incorporating Judaism into your lives, whatever you decide, I suggest you consult Orthodoxy as well so that you have a well-balanced view and will know exactly where you stand each step of the way.