From: Melissa

Dear Rabbi,

Why are marital relations forbidden during a woman’s monthly cycle? Is it not a natural phenomenon? Should we abandon loved ones during a period of time when they are “undesirable” or have no reproductive function?

Dear Melissa,

The Torah states (Lev. 18:19): “To a woman during the uncleanness of her separation, you shall not come near to uncover her”. This prohibits intimate physical contact, but does not prohibit coming close in other ways. This is a common misconception. On the contrary, the Jewish family purity laws are a way of ensuring that throughout marriage, spouses will develop a multi-layered relationship while also enhancing their appreciation of the intimate dimension of their marriage.

Furthermore, rather than ignoring what is a natural phenomenon, the Torah teaches respect for the cycle of life that the woman experiences. Menstruation indicates that her body had biologically prepared a foundation for life, and had then eliminated it. Whenever we encounter loss of life, we feel the need to step back, to be reflective. That is not to say that we don’t need companionship. We do need companionship, but of a different sort – i.e., love and comfort that respects our need to be pensive and introspective.

This is the state of a menstrual woman; and her husband’s relationship to her is to be one of respect and empathy. At this time, they are to focus on the emotional, intellectual, psychological and spiritual dimensions of their relationship. In fact, the Torah thus teaches sensitivity to natural rhythms, for the purpose of improving relations. During this time of loss and latent renewal, the couple is similarly guided by G‑d who brought them together for their good and growth, to more greatly appreciate their life together and what they share. Relationships, which often lose sight of this, are thus rejuvenated.

Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch throughout his commentary on the Torah makes the point that ritual impurity is a state induced by some manner of contact with death. “Nida”, this menstrual impurity and resultant period of separation, is just one of the many forms of impurity that call for a person to step-back from contact with others, and deal with the issue of their mortality and frailty. By the way, a man’s seminal discharge, regardless of the context, also results in this type of imbalance resulting from a loss of life, and the Torah also prescribes for him a restorative process and immersion in a mikva.

Far from feeling a sense of harmful separation, couples generally find that the period of “nida” is a positive opportunity to relate to each other in ways above the physical. And instead of breeding hurt and rejection, it generally refreshes and enhances the quality of their marriage.