From: I. in VIC
Dear Rabbi,
I have enjoyed your column for a number of years. I have a question. I recently organized a surprise party for my mother. We decided to make it a surprise, as we knew she would never agree to a party. To get her to our house nicely dressed I told her I had tickets for the theater. As part of the charade we also told our daughter that all the tables etc. in our house were for a book club my wife was hosting, to avoid her spilling the beans. Both my wife and I were wondering if under these circumstances it was OK to “lie” both to my mother and to my daughter. Looking forward to a response.
Dear I.,
I don’t want to be a party pooper, but while I understand your good intentions and the necessity to keep the party a secret, I don’t think this is a case where a person would be able to lie. Even when Jacob posed as Esav in order to receive his rightfully deserved blessing, he did not outright lie to his father but rather answered, “It is I, Esav your firstborn” in way that could also mean, “It is I [Jacob]. Esav [is your] firstborn” (Gen. 27:19, Rashi).
Accordingly, you may have been able to buy tickets for some other night, then tell her in a general way that you have tickets for the theater and that you’d like her to come over dressed for a nice occasion. Everything in this statement is true, even though she would hear it as an invitation to the theater that night. And even though this is misleading her, which may be considered “stealing her thoughts” (ganeivat da’at), she would probably not be angry for misleading her in this way since she recognizes the value of the surprise, and therefore it would not be considered theft.
That being said, there are a few instances in which the Torah does permit “changing the truth”. We’ll first present some Torah sources on the importance of truth and disdain of deceit, and then discuss some exceptions.
Honesty is certainly a very good policy. Our Sages teach that truth is one of the three foundations upon which the world endures, together with justice and peace (Avot 1:18). Based on this, Mesilat Yesharim (chapter 11) states that one who is careful to be honest is considered as if he maintains the world. In fact the Talmud asserts that truth is the seal of G‑d (Shabbat 55a), while King David called G‑d Himself “Truth” (Tana d’bei Eliyahu chapter 7 on Psalm 119:160).
Regarding deceit, the Torah commands: “Distance yourself from falsehood” (Exodus 23:7), where the phrase “distance yourself” is an injunction not found elsewhere. Sefer HaChinuch (mitzva 74) explains that in this way, G‑d expresses his complete aversion to falsehood, teaching us to be repulsed by anything smacking of deceit.
In light of the above, it is curious that we find the holy founders of the Jewish people involved in falsehood. Rachel “deceived” her father regarding his “missing” idols (Gen. 31:34,35). Jacob “lied” to Esav upon returning to Israel regarding his final destination (33:14). Joseph’s brothers “lied” by telling him their deceased father commanded him to forgive them (50:17,18). In fact, none other than G‑d Himself “lied” by telling Abraham that Sarah laughed saying she was old, whereas she really laughed saying he was old (18:12,13).
Our Sages understood from these cases that it is sometimes permitted to “change the truth” in order to preserve life and peace, or to prevent transgression (Yevamot 65b). Elsewhere the Talmud permits “changing the truth” for the purpose of modesty or to prevent loss (Yevamot 65b). Other examples of permissible “changing of the truth” include praising a bride to her groom, or a purchased item to its owner if it can’t be exchanged (Ketuvot 17a); reversing truthful but harmful speech (Chafetz Chaim 4:46); and lying to prevent danger (Sh. A. Y.D. 157:2).