From: Jason
Dear Rabbi,
Until now I’ve been in a series of casual relationships without any commitment. Recently, I’ve started to think that since I’m getting older, it may be time to start thinking about getting into a more serious relationship in order to get married. I’m just having a really hard time dealing with the idea that you could be with the same person for the rest of your life. And also, how could you possibly not be attracted to other people while you’re married. What do you think?
Dear Jason,
It sounds from your question that the types of relationships you’ve had are based on mutual convenience and physical attraction.
It’s no wonder, then, why they’ve been casual and why you have trouble seeing how a relationship could last and be fulfilling for the rest of your life.
According to your thinking, as far as convenience is concerned, today’s convenience is tomorrow’s burden. So how could you stay with one person for so long? And as far as “looks” are concerned – for one, looks get old; and secondly, as one gets old, good looks go. So how could you not look around?
Before eyeing the alternative, let’s play out your scenario according to your philosophy:
Be assured that as the good looks of the spouse you’re questioning grow old, or as she grows old and her good looks go, the same thing would be happening to you. For the very same reasons, you’ll become less attractive to her. So you’re not the only one who would be looking for “greener grass”. Just as you would be looking at others, so would she. And what’s more, you two would not be the only ones. Just as the two of you would be eyeing others, so others would be eyeing you – but also “yours”. In fact, in a society whose relationships are based on your model, everybody is tired of every-body they “have”, while desiring every-body else. That’s sick and results in societal breakdown!
Furthermore, as a result of looking around, even if you would change to pasture on the other side of the fence, leaving one relationship that started with attraction for another which would currently seem more attractive, then what? Eventually, what happened to the older relationship would happen to the newer one. Namely, it would get old, and the same person you looked toward with such interest, you’d later look away from toward another. So what was this newer relationship worth in the first place? And where will such relationships take you? Out of the meadow and into the swamp!
So what’s the alternative?
Take the advice of our Sages who said (Avot 5:15): Love which is based on externalities, when the externals go, so does the love; Love which is not based on externalities, even if the externals go, the love remains.
Healthy, long-lasting and fulfilling relationships must be based less on good looks and more on good character. Good looks go; goodness grows. This means that while physical attraction diminishes over time for the reasons mentioned above, good people generally become even better people over time. They mature well, their good disposition inclines them to refine themselves, and they actually become more pleasant and attractive as time passes. Love for such a person for such reasons will not wane but only grow with time. And in a society where it’s every person’s responsibility to be such a person, good, wholesome, productive, stable and lasting relationships thrive. In fact, a society comprised of such individuals thrives.
This doesn’t mean that if you merit finding and building such a relationship that you would never be tempted to look over the fence, but recalling how distasteful and even harmful that deceivingly “greener grass” is, should convince you to pasture only on the homestead.
